Lilly (ThunderLilly) Thompson, 1982-2012. 

     Lilly Thompson was born July 25th in Fremont, Nebraska to parents Dave and Shelli Thompson. ThunderLilly's birth marked what would later be referred to as the convergence of realities on what we now know is Earth 27456CB42Q. Due to the explosive nature of their…well…life, the crater previously known as the McDonalds down the street from the Fremont hospital has become one of the most visited locations in the Multiverse. Scientists later verified that the force generated by baby Thunder's excitement at the movement of their own toes was the equivalent of a hilariously small thermonuclear bomb. The quest to solve the riddle as to why that McDonalds in particular exploded, and why “divinity” suddenly existed, led directly to the creation of the MOWTFK (Ministry of Who the Fuck Knows) and the addition of chaos theory into all curriculum's worldwide. 

     Lilly’s early years are still a mystery as the family was forced (nicely, by the authorities account) to move to a secure location somewhere that they claim was “very normal and not at all a giant laboratory”. At the age of 5, Thunder created the first “Thundernader” when they drank 2 quarts of Royal Purple 30 weight motor oil and vomited a tornado of fire. After disappearing into said tornado for precisely one minute and seven seconds they reappeared traveling at terminal velocity through several mega churches in what was once Dallas, Texas. Much like the McDonalds event, there were some deaths, but none of note.

     Lilly’s adolescence brought their direct involvement in the declaration, fighting, and ending of WW3. With 7 years of “divinity” playing out across the globe, the newly arrived gods supplying the “divinity” were having a hayday establishing themselves as the best deity to invest in. It was very much a sellers market and the quickly mushrooming prices of fealty were swiftly entering a bubble stage, with only a tiny percentage of people being able to afford grace outright, and the rest lining up for a lease agreement. This led to a sizable portion of Earth's population proclaiming that their own personal gods could definitely out-scuffle everyone else’s god in a gentlemen’s scrap. These little arms races turned into bigger and bigger ones, until everyone realized that the whole thing would be much more civilized if they just agreed on who the bad guy should be. Naturally, this led to the hunting and attempted extinction of every person that looks, loves, presents, or believes in a way that fundamentalists find vexing. Which in turn lead to a then only 7-year-old ThunderLilly amassing an army of LGBTQ+ atheists, going on international television, and proclaiming that man is god after biting a priest's head off. Over the following 2 years, almost 3 billion lives were lost to the gay onslaught. Famously, Lilly once used the legless torso of one of their own generals (a gentleman from Kent named Kevin) to beat a bewildered demigod to death. It finally came to an end when the last brave believer surrendered and the Signing of The Truce of Faithnomore happened.

     After the war, both ThunderLilly and the remaining gods disappeared from the public eye. Thunder was 9 at this time and their parents had begun expressing concern with some of the child’s habits. Reportedly, they had retreated emotionally and spent years being obsessed with an entity they referred to as “Mr. Human”. No one ever sorted out who that might be. But the obsession culminated in Lilly breaking into a nuclear power plant in Springfield and reportedly using the largest live wires they could find to see “Mr. Human” again. This caused the creation of another fire tornado. During this time, the gods, visibly shaken and extremely upset, had no real idea of what to do with themselves. Their power relied on a system of thoughts and prayers that was quickly eroding, and they needed a way forward that was sustainable if they were to maintain their godly lifestyles. Rather than cut back on the cheese and virgins, they all decided to take whatever faith they could find, regardless of the source. Now, when “divinity” popped into existence and the gods first arrived, there were certain kinds of faith that they would not even entertain the idea of. This was due to some humans having horrifying notions of what divinity means. Allowing those kinds of thoughts into their plane of existence would give birth to whatever terrifying things these twisted humans could think of. But the gods were desperate, so they agreed to read the pamphlets that had been collecting dust on their doorstep. The words fused them all into one singular entity, and that is when the angels started showing up. 

     The first confirmed sighting of an Angel took place precisely 1 minute and 47 seconds after the Springfield incident. Appearing in the partially rebuilt city of Dallas Texas, the entity immediately began introducing the locals to the newly instated god policy of "divine wrath”. Though ThunderLilly arrived shortly after and killed the entity within the hour, it was the first time Lilly suffered an injury. At 12 years old they were still very young and nothing they had met up until that moment had been evil enough to hurt a child. It was also the first time anyone had ever seen a brain used as a mace.

     Young Adulthood brought much fame and turmoil to ThunderLilly. Their body's constant adaptation to the presence of angels, mixed with being the only known agent of chaos in the multiverse, made any attempt they took at human connection extremely difficult. The obsession with the “Mr. Human'' entity seemed to work itself out by the time they reached college. Most reports showed a young person who was dead set on impressing their human counterparts and achieving some form of "non-everyone-dying” success. Working closely with the MOWTFK’s University program, ThunderLilly worked tirelessly to perfect the theory of “We Might Have a Clue One Day” in between angel incidents. During this time, they briefly had a relationship with a person named Larry Meyer. Due to his survival it is unlikely that anything sexual happened, but eyewitnesses claim mouth-stuff was involved. Everyone knew when the relationship ended due to Thunder’s extremely loud and drunken exclamation of Larry’s close-mindedness and apparent sticky fingers. Thunder’s drunken rage lasted for 4 months and culminated in the blackout of several cell phone networks because they kept sending out mass texts that turned everyone's cellular devices into underwear-eating belts. Lilly thought it was hilarious and Motorola never financially recovered. They also destroyed the Hoover Dam. Mainly because a new kind of angel landed on it, but also because they knew what he had done.

     Directly after the Hoover incident, ThunderLilly’s constantly changing form stopped changing and settled into a mix of their common human form and armored-sloth form. Covered in what we now know to be Archangel blood (it glowed and was extremely acidic), Lilly went into the last standing building of the Hoover Dam area (a gift shop with a lovely selection of maps) and attempted to clean themselves up. However, the acid they washed from themselves melted through the floor and ended up creating a hole described by eyewitnesses as “relatively deep”. Not much is known of Lilly’s time in the hole, but nearby chaos-worshippers reported hearing extremely loud crying followed by laughter, more crying, shrieks of joy, and some squishing sounds interspersed with soft moans that built into louder and louder yells and louder squishes. (As a person who writes obituaries this is extremely uncomfortable for me.) This event concluded with the explosion of a golf resort in Florida, the arrival of the archangel Ariel, and the immediate climax of every kind of dolphin in the multiverse. 

     The arrival of the archangel Ariel cut off ThunderLilly’s…exercise? No…fun? No, that sounds creepy...it ended what was happening. The battle was particularly difficult to watch on account of Lilly’s still naked form ripping the archangel in half, and the unexpected addition of a baby within the angel's body.

     ThunderLilly was visibly horrified at the sight of the small human and was convinced that it was a last-ditch ploy by god to open a new business through some kind of child-sacrifice. Lilly immediately tried handing off the god child to anyone who would take it with an impromptu game of The Price is Right. Before any lucky winners could be convinced that this baby did in fact cost only 1 ownership of said baby, the big wheel that no one can seem to ever get right became sentient, grew a bunch of eyes, exclaimed itself to be an Ophanim, and demanded its baby back. Supposedly, god had indeed made a sacrificial human baby and bought massive amounts of futures on the circumstance of the child's demise. The Ophanim was supposed to pass off the child to a different archangel, but that wasn’t in its job description and it frankly couldn’t get over how hellish heaven had become since the gods converged, and they themselves were forced to exist without proper limbs. It didn’t want to get in trouble and just wanted the child back so it could be on its way. Lilly stopped listening at this point and began the long process of poking all of its eyes out.

     Parenthood fit ThunderLilly shockingly well. They were extremely protective of the damned child and did their absolute best to give it the life they thought they would have wanted if they were a human. They named the child Kat because that was also the name of their cat. Neighbors claim a happy household full of laughter, love, and only the occasional explosion. Throughout the following 8 years, life on Earth 27456CB42Q fell back into a much more predictable hum. Most countries had gone years without existing which stopped the majority of the squabbles. Lilly became an avid LARPer and for the first time in over 20 years, the human race was able to collectively sigh, look around, and cry over what the hell they had spent the last 20 years seeing, surviving, and doing to each other. With “divinity” somehow mysteriously gone, and the child no longer a harbinger of god's wrath, everything seemed ok. Up until the Thundernader made another appearance.

     Every time the tornado had formed in the past, any hope of understanding why was left to the specialists studying the theory of “We Might Have a Clue One Day”. However, on that day the tornado formed very clearly because God was very upset and VERY drunk on his own power. Reportedly, Lilly was fully engrossed in their portrayal of the death of Jeff the Bard one moment and the next they were engulfed in the tornado’s flames and were gone. For precisely 55 seconds their fellow LARPers looked around confused while fiddling with their cardboard swords and bickering about armor levels. 

     On the 56th second, the tornado started to reform above the small group. Widening much further than it ever did in the past, the funnel cloud filled everyone with a sudden and very explicable feeling of dread. Lightning crackled across it as the wind swept up in frenzied anticipation of the huge amount of sky that was about to fall. ThunderLilly was spotted first. Bleeding and unconscious, they sped toward the Earth face-first, with the tornado racing down right behind them. It was bulging and barely containing something massive. Just before it reached the ground a massive arm and fist escaped from the column of fire and plowed Lilly into the planet. The force of impact thrust Lilly almost a mile into the crust. The attack was so powerful and so awful that it moved two continents and caused every skyline on the planet to immediately cannibalize itself. As the dust cleared the outline of god began to take shape. A massive old white man with a great golden chain adorning a fleshy neck towered over the humans. A beer stained muscle shirt strained to contain his massive gut packed full of virgins and Bud heavy. Eyes like galaxies squinted in the sun as god screamed at the Earth. Rage and indignation churned saliva into his words, as globs of spit the size of Volvo’s flew out of his mouth.                                                                  

     “How dare you! How dare you sniveling little shits ignore me! I am infallible! Almighty! I am the alpha AND the omega! Yet you praise this? This puny little...thing?? According to you ungrateful little fucks, I MADE you. Every atom that makes up your shitty little excuse for a planet is MINE and you will NEVER forget it.”

     As god screamed for the manager, ThunderLilly flew back up to meet their attacker. Ready to fight and not at all pleased with how this day was going, they burned as hard as they could directly at god's ruddy, pockmarked nose. But before they could make contact, they were swatted away so hard that they crashed into the moon...which caused the partially eaten skylines to begin eating the people too. Flying as fast as they could back to the god, they stopped just before reaching him because someone was standing in their way. Their adopted daughter, Kat. Standing in front of the monstrosity, hands on her hips, the child released the untapped power of god onto himself in a barrage of vocal attacks, character assassinations, and a dank slam poem detailing the ways in which god was cancelled. These verbal assaults, mixed with a very large sword that slid nicely into place between the beast’s eyes (Lilly’s proudest moment as a parent), made the god fall motionless in front of the child's victorious feet.

     At precisely 7:32 PM on June 25th, 2012, God died. There was elation in the streets and across the globe. People everywhere began preparing for what would become “The Month We All Don’t Remember but Were Really Happy During, We Think”. ThunderLilly’s followers (basically everyone, even yours truly) celebrated the death of divinity and the bright future of a world free from all entities that claimed infallibility. It was the greatest month of our lives. I personally experienced my first, second, and third electric lettuce cigarette and made passionate love in one of the countless passionate love piles. (I also tried a bit of the no eye-contact fuck pile but that wasn’t really for me). I personally witnessed ThunderLilly enter a hate-fucking pile with a very nervous-looking man who was sweating and holding a hat.

     After a month of celebration, the last known sighting of the Thundernader was spotted above ThunderLilly’s birthplace of Fremont, Nebraska. Investigators are still looking for more information but at ground zero of the tornado a very big and very odd creature with horse legs, wings, a scorpion tail, and lots of hair was found dead along with an old man holding what appeared to be the very last bible in existence. Local reports claim a loud verbal altercation happened between the old man and Lilly, with the old man repeatedly yelling bigoted slurs while pointing his finger at Thunder, the bible, and an open garage door. The yelling intensified with Thunder becoming irate and turning the man's garage into a tree, which then began bleeding and bulging and sprouting what would become  wings. Lilly was unaware of the tree’s transformation as they kept attempting to invalidate whatever nonsense the man was vocalizing. At 9:23 pm on July 25th, the creature, formally known as the tree that was formerly a bigot’s garage, began striking ThunderLilly Thompson with its stinger. A visibly overwhelmed Lilly tried pushing the creature away while also trying to keep the bigot safe from it. The creature attacked again and mortally wounded them. As they laid dying on the pavement, the familiar crackle of fire and wind exploded out of them, burning both the creature and the old bigot to death. The last time anyone saw Lilly, they were being gently lifted off the ground by an unknown figure wearing what appeared to be an astronaut's helmet and held lovingly as the tornado brought them into the sky for the last time.

     ThunderLilly Thompson is survived by their parents Dave and Shelli Thompson, their daughter Kat Thompson, their partner Larry, their cat (Kat), their rats (Merle, Squee, Turbo), their salamander (Jericho), their gecko (Snizhammer) and the grateful residents of Earth 27456CB42Q.